No need to retire intimacy
Published in THE NATIONAL POST
ACTIVE IN THE GOLDEN YEARS section
June 24th, 2011
by Cheryl Swan
Certified educator, accredited Life Coach, sex & relationship Therapist
In past generations, once one retired it meant life slowed down and a new course was charted in the direction of a nursing home.
What’s the difference now? In the last 30 years (the interval of a generation according to Ancestory.com) advanced medical care and improved lifestyle has created a generation of uber-vital retirees who feel 60 is the new 40. This applies to the bedroom too! These early baby boomers are interested in living life to the fullest and doing more of what they want, when they want. They have every intention of having their cake, or should I say, ‘muffin’ and eating it too.
I recently spoke with 82-year-old author and sex educator Dr. Betty Dodson on Youtube proclaiming that she is enjoying sex more than any other time in her life since she turned 70. Her view on sex and age— “I consider the 70s to be the youth of old age. So all you women out there who are afraid of getting older, just keep your orgasms in place, eat a lot of vegetables, take exercise and you’ll be fine.”
When queried, my mod-mature clients, friends and family members reported feeling like now is their time to really enjoy life. Where generations past were, at the same age, suffering the wear and tear of a lifetime of hard physical labour, modern life has left these scandalous seniors with energy to spare.I can personally attest to this as I attempt to keep pace with my septua- genarian deep-water workout buddies every morning!
Modern day retirees are also finding they are no longer plagued by the sex and relationship issues of their youth.
In growing older they have:
■■Gained emotional maturity;
■■Learned communication skills;
■■Discarded their body image issues;
■■Become clear about what they want;
■■Have greater appreciation for each other.
Practice makes perfect and is paying off for these frisky golden-agers. They report that the quality of their relation- ships is “most definitely better”. And I can tell you, better relationships equal better sex. All unresolved relationship issues show up as symptoms in the bed- room.
Game changers
Retirees who may have felt they origin- ally got married too young—many of them in their teens—are now single- tons once more. The ones I have spoken to are still hopeful of finding intimacy and excitement.“The thinking is different,” they say. “It may not have seemed right for a 65-year-old woman to be on the prowl a generation ago, but it is now the accepted norm.” Single seniors are found along with everyone else, browsing for potential co-adventurers on dating sites such as Plenty of Fish and Lavalife.
My own mother’s take on the subject is, “Age is a state of mind, we don’t feel old, why should we act old!” This new attitude indicates a positive change in our collective belief system surrounding ageing.
Combined with this new mindset,we now have a host of modern medical and holistic treatments for menopause and andropause (unheard of 30 years ago) available to reduce and in some cases eliminate symptoms completely. This leaves modern retirees free to enjoy the benefits of an empty nest. With fewer distractions and commitments they are capitalizing on a richness and fullness of life that their predecessors never dreamt of. On the adventurous side, I know of retired couples that have started to explore their sexuality more since their kids have left home. I am told an empty nest is a great place to entertain other couples.”
So, let’s applaud these trail- blazing post-mid-agers for, if not inventing sex, showing us that what we thought was the end is just the beginning.
Cheryl Swan talks to Nicholas Wright of, The Calgary Journal about the realities of sexual health.
Let’s talk about itWritten by NICHOLAS WRIGHT |
| Monday, 06 June 2011 13:09 |
Sexual health more than just check-upsSexual health can be a difficult concept to pin down. If someone were dealing with poor sexual health, it would seem reasonable to assume that they are experiencing some sort of medical ailment. Issues like erectile dysfunction or dyspareunia (painful intercourse) could be regarded as strictly medical concerns, and be treated accordingly. One would likely see a doctor, get diagnosed and be prescribed some sort of medication or treatment for their affliction. However, the world of sexual health is rarely this clear cut and can often require attention beyond medical treatment. David Hersh, a practicing sex therapist and relationship counsellor for over 30 years, said that there is an intimate and ongoing relationship between our sexual and physical health and our emotional well-being. Hersh said that all sexual health concerns, emotional or physical, are ultimately inherently linked. “(Sex) is simply not divorced from who you are,” Hersh said. Along with this idea that sexual health is as much about our emotions as it is our physicality, Cheryl Swan, a Calgary-based sex therapist, explained that sex is actually not the primary topic of conversation during most of her sessions. “Sex is addressed for sure, and it is usually the symptoms — that’s the sexual stuff. “We look back and try to understand what is causing this (sexual concern), and it is never just about the sex,” she said. Karen Barnes, a registered nurse at Mount Royal University’s health clinic, agreed that sexual health “goes into all parts of a person’s being,” but unfortunately it isn’t given enough attention by most people.
“People aren’t forthright with that kind of information, even with health-care professionals,” Barnes said. Swan said she thinks that people are often too busy to maintain their sexual health properly, leading to both physical and emotional problems. “We spend too much time on the mechanics of life.” Swan sees sex as a “more intimate form of communication” between individuals, and if this communication breaks down it can have ripple effect through all aspects of one’s life. Being able to sit down with patients and speak in-depth with them about emotional issues involved with sexual health is important, but it is something most doctors and nurses simply don’t have the time to do, Barnes said. If they were given more time to engage with patients, Barnes said that treatment would become a lot more comprehensive. “I think people would be a lot more well than what we see within our healthcare system today, because we only focus on the physical aspects and treatment of things,” she said. Swan mentioned that she has had clients who are doctors who have expressed their gratitude for professionals like sex therapists, because they are better able to address more complex issues with patients. Unfortunately, sex therapists like Swan and Hirsh need to be sought out by individuals independently and their services may not be accessible for everyone. This means most people must depend on the health-care system for help with tending to sexual health issues. Along with the lack of time and resources many clinics face, Barnes said that it can be difficult to get patients to open up about their sexual lives. “As a health-care professional you have to do a lot of digging in order to get to the bottom of things,” she said. “A lot of the times they won’t even get into the emotional side of things because they don’t want to deal with it with you.” Barnes will encourage patients to find a friend or family member with whom they feel comfortable speaking talking to about their issues or suggest booking multiple appointments with a doctor to get the time they need to discuss their sexual health concerns. “We do what we can.” |
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The butt naked truth
Cheryl Swan discusses North America’s body image issues with Pamela Dixon, in Fast Forward Magazine.
Calgarians freeing their bodies in the nude
Published February 24, 2011 by Pamela Dixon in Urban Living
I take off my shoes and walk across the wet tile floor in my socked feet and reach for the locker’s cold aluminum door.
The door open, I can hide my chest as I quickly undress, slide my arms out of my jacket, and hang it up. My hands grasp the edge of my T-shirt as I slide it over my head. Next, my grey camisole comes off. Next is my bra.
Half undressed, the rest of my clothes — jeans, long johns and panties — practically fall off. I feel the cold, rigid air against my naked bum.
It’s my first time stripping down in a co-ed change room. It’s also my first time at a “naked swim.”
But, swimming is swimming, right? That’s what I’m thinking as I pull my hair into a ponytail.
Dave, the swim co-ordinator from Calgary’s Sunny Chinook Association, smiles and gestures to the showers. He, too, is butt naked. While he embraces his nude side, he wishes to withhold his last name because not all of his friends are aware of his nude lifestyle.
“There is a big stigma around it,” he says. “Sometimes, it’s better nobody knows.”
The 53-year-old’s first clothing-optional experience was during a vacation with his wife to the Dominican Republic’s Eden Bay in 2007.
“It’s the people that keep us coming back,” Dave explains. He still keeps in touch with vacationers they met from England and the U.S.
“At a clothing-optional resort, you’re not prejudging people,” he says. “Imagine going to Bankers Hall in a golf shirt and jeans amongst all the suits. You feel uncomfortable, but with the club there is none of that.”
Dave and I had arranged to meet at the Ambassador Hotel before the swim for a (fully clothed) interview in which we meet with Wilf Gendron.
Gendron’s first venture into public nudity was a trip to Hawaii.
“I had psoriasis before the trip, and after the trip it was all gone,” he explains. “Tanning in the sunshine got rid of that.”
His doctor was amazed at his recovery and encouraged him to keep up the new treatment.
“It’s a different lifestyle. It’s interesting how people gravitate towards it. Everyone has a different story as to how they got into it.”
Gendron’s girlfriend, Olga Karpova, was completely against the idea at first, but eventually warmed to it.
“You forget about being naked after a while,” she says. She has been a member of the club for a year.
The Sunny Chinooks Association was established in the ’70s and is always open to new members. The club offers seasonal camping and a monthly swim.
Walking out of the change room and into the hot tub, I take in my surroundings. Men and women as young as 18 and up to their late 70s are dipping their toes in the hot water.
We are all different shapes and sizes, but it doesn’t matter.
“You can’t help but take a peak,” Dave says. “That is OK, as long as you’re not staring.”
I think to myself, if this feels so natural, why aren’t we naked all of the time?
Sex therapist Cheryl Swan says that’s because North Americans are extremely body conscious.
“The media paints a portrait of perfection too much,” Swan says. “Look at mainstream television on any night. It’s all about how to get thinner.”
Internet ads on losing your belly fat get more clicks online than even sex sites, according to Swan.
“If perfect worked, they’d be happy. But they’re not.”
Society’s preoccupation with perfection is reflected in the fact that at any given time, 70 per cent of women and 35 per cent of men are dieting, according to the Canadian Mental Health Association.
“We hate ourselves too much to be naked,” Swan says, adding, “We’d all be happier if we were happy with what we’ve got.”
But in terms of sexuality it feels better to be nude than naked, says Swan. “Nude says comfortable, and feels good. Naked is stripped and vulnerable.”
Yogadown Studios has encouraged women to strip down for charity at its Okotoks studio, where members have held two naked yoga classes and had paid through a donation to the studio for charity.
Owner and instructor Alina McGraw was initially hesitant to host naked yoga, but her business partner encouraged her after experiencing the practice on nude beaches in other countries.
“I was surprised at the atmosphere of the studio,” McGraw says.
People had undressed as soon as they got into the studio instead of waiting for the instructor to give the go-ahead.
“It was like being a bunch of 12-year-olds at a slumber party. We were all looking around and giggling with our neighbours.”
After five minutes the novelty wore off. “We experienced a sense of liberation,” she says. “At first, it was different like everything. It started with a strange sensation, and then after some time it became normal yoga.”
The class was planned to avoid poses that aren’t flattering even with clothes on. McGraw’s inbox has been inundated with inquiries about the next class from both men and women, but she doesn’t expect co-ed naked yoga in the near future.
“Most guys react sexually to naked yoga, whereas when it comes to women it doesn’t come to that,” McGraw says.
“We come into this world naked and so quickly become uncomfortable in our own bodies. I never felt this comfortable in my skin before naked yoga.”
Keeping in touch with the x
Cheryl discusses ‘Xs’ with radio host, Charlee Morgan of Edmonton’s UP 99.3. Is he keeping in touch occasionally to be polite or is it something deeper?
Five ways to keep long-term love hot
by Emily Kreiberg, News Editor | January 13, 2011
Need to spice up your sex life with your long-time lover? Sex and relationship therapist Cheryl Swan offers the following advice for couples in a rut.
1. Beware the best friend trap One of the biggest dangers is getting too buddy-buddy and forgetting about your masculine/feminine energies. Swan says people often tell her they’re best friends, their relationship’s great in all other areas, but they don’t have sex anymore. One needs to be driven (present, goal-focused, open, principled) and one needs to be the muse (receptive, passionate, authentic, self-confident). These roles tend to slide when we get too familiar, Swan says. When we become best buddies instead of lovers, the sex goes downhill. This is true for same sex couples, too.
2. Communicate about the real stuff The weather, news, FB, TV and what colour to paint the kitchen do not count. Swan says. How much you are really communicating directly correlates to how much good sex you are having. In order to have good sex, open up. Sex is communication, just a more physical, and a more intimate form of communication.
3. Make quality time for each other When burnout strikes, sex is the first thing to go. Learn how to say no and create healthy boundaries with work and other life commitments. When you are together, be present with each other. Turn off the TV, phone and other distractions so you can really connect. You don’t want to become the new acronym, DINS (Double Income, No Sex).
4. Don’t take things too personally If there’s a problem in your sex life, bring it up outside the bedroom and be willing to work on it together, Swan says. Don’t bring the issue up in bed or just after sex, because negative things said when we’re in a state of arousal remain in our consciousness longer than usual. We’re basically in the same vulnerable mind frame in the moments before orgasm as in a hypnotic state.
5. Keep it consistently exciting “Scheduled sex doesn’t have to be boring,” Swan says. Research shows that as long as we have anticipation and variety, then it’s fine if we don’t have spontaneity. If we’re excited to be with our partner on Saturday at 2 p.m., and it’s not always the same routine, then scheduled sex can be a great thing. Keep surprising each other with interesting new things in bed. You are building a sexual history together. It is up to you both to make it worthy of your memoirs.
Why do we have wet dreams?
What causes a grown man to have a wet dream? What is going on with him for this to occur 3 times within the course of 6 months? Watch this video to find out the answer.
Manscaping
So I was sitting around the other day and I was thinking there are probably 100 other things I would rather be doing other than picking someones pubic hair out of my teeth. Watch this video to find out more.
My Girlfriend Won’t Cum
Viewer Q&A. Why oh why won’t my girlfriend orgasm for me. I made my last girlfriend cum 12 times a day, what is wrong with this woman?
Are You in a Sadomasochistic Relationship?
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Should I have a Sex Buddy?
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Are you faking it?
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Star Crossed Lovers & Evolutionary Astrology!
Ever wonder what the stars have in store for your relationship? Lynn Fiset, Evolutionary Astrologer & Family Constellation Therapist, dishes the dirt on Star Crossed Lovers!!
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Does Anal Enjoyment = Homosexual Tendencies?
Q: Dear Sex Therapist Cheryl,
I am a little worried about my husband. He really loves to receive anal stimulation as part of our love making sessions. Does this mean he may be bisexual or gay?
A: Dear Anally Anxious,
The fact that your husband likes anal stimulation only means for sure that he has an anus and is aware that he finds it erotic. The anal area has more nerve endings than the penis or the vagina therefore it is very sensitive to touch. The prostate is also the male g-spot, not to be missed by any man of any sexual orientation, which can take the male orgasm to a whole new level. It is a myth that only gay men like anal stimulation. I have in fact encountered both gay and straight individuals who are anal-erotic and who dislike anal stimulation. Your husband’s sexual orientation is not linked to which parts of his body he finds erogenous. From my research, strict categories of Gay and Straight are also a myth. We are all a wonderfully diverse combination of curiosities and desires and that is the best part. I feel oversimplification and categorization in the area of sexuality does not serve us. So, be happy that your partner feels trusting and open enough to be honest with you about what he really likes. His honest communication and freedom in your interactions is a gift that not all people experience in relationships. I say, why not enjoy all of the real estate, you own it!!
Oops, I’m Fat!
Oops, I’m Fat!
Well not totally fat but fatter than I care to be. If your sexy mommy tummy has gone south and you feel nearer to marshmallow than MILF, read on. You may be asking yourself at this point, “What does this have to do with dating, sex or relationships?” Well, this article is about your most important relationship of all, drum roll please. Your relationship with yourself of course!!!
I used to have a flat stomach I swear, as I dig for my wedding pictures. Let me see, were the first or the second wedding pictures better? I digress, at any rate, my skin is too big for me and I blame a convergence of diabolical forces I call, SCEBIG. What is this strange phenomenon you ask? Well firstly it is alarmingly close to SheBig. It is actually an acronym for Stress, Comfort Eating, Babies, Indulgence and Gravity. While I have now reduced my stress, the body takes some time to recover I am told. Did you know that prolonged stress can elevate cortisol to unhealthy levels in our bodies. Along with a whole host of nasty effects it can contribute to the storage or excess abdominal fat. There is yet one more motivating reason to maintain a happy and peaceful life. I’m spending more spa time nurturing myself, so I don’t feel the need to comfort eat as often. The supplement 5-HTP is also helping tremendously in that department. I have tried to lighten up gravity but so far have had no luck. What is the lesson in this one? Well it must be, acceptance of the things we cannot change I suppose. My inner control freak is still resisting this one a bit. I have no intention of giving up the two other things that make my life worth living. My babies being the first, after all the damage was done 8 and 13 years ago and there is no point longing for my BC (before children) body at this point. So, you will be relieved to know, I have decided to keep the children! The second thing I am keeping are my small indulgences. I refuse to forsake the Bernard Callebaut chocolate, the Janice Beaton cheese or the WG Wines. The more European -oriented my lifestyle is, the happier I am. In fact I stumbled upon a wonderful little book on this topic recently titled, “French women don’t get fat” by Mireille Guiliano. The book gives real life strategies on how to embrace the things in life that give us pleasure and cut back on those that are merely filler. The book focuses on being relaxed and filled with the pleasures of life. If we are stressing about loosing weight, we are adding to our stress levels (don’t do it – remember the abdominal fat) and focusing on the problem not the solution. Everything in moderation, including moderation is the theme.
So, with Stampede upon us, like a kid on a corndog, what are my options? Short of emergency lipo, the cutesy denim mini dress from last year will have to bide its time until Stampede 2009. Instead, among other things, I nabbed a playful and flattering cowgirl couture corset from my favourite hair stylist. Deva Dave Salon & Boutique! www.devadave.com You are guaranteed to leave Dave’s a happier person than when you went in. Even if the retail therapy fails, Dave will make you giggle! This in itself is a health treatment because laughing releases positive hormones into your bloodstream. Thank you Dave Richards! My cowgirl corset as I explained to my architect friend, who is a definite cleavage and leg man, is all about infrastructure. With the correct foundational support any cowgirl can maximize her assets!
From this Stampede to the next, I challenge you to focus on your assets instead of your self-perceived shortcomings. You will notice plenty once you start looking. In cultivating any relationship, a healthy measure of acceptance and non-judgment is critical. Most of us are much better at doing this with others than in our relationship with number one. I’m sure none of us would allow anyone else on the planet to speak to us in the way our inner judge gets going at times. Let us accept and be forgiving of the ways in which our emotional and physical bodies respond to the winding road that is life. And if the treadmill and personal trainer don’t get the results you desire, I hear there are some excellent cosmetic surgery retreats in Costa Rica. Reportedly, they have one of the best health care systems in the world. A girl can get a few alterations done, enjoy a couple eco tours and get spa treatments every day, returning refreshed and rejuvenated, all for the price of a great designer handbag. Sounds like a trip for the friends to go on together if you ask me!!
“Your power to live a pleasurable, prosperous life lies in your willingness to focus your attention on thoughts, people, places, and events that are joyful, fun, sexy and uplifting. Your specific desires aren’t selfish. Their fulfillment is designed to uplift the entire planet.” Christiane Northrup MD
Originally published on www.asknancy,ca
Can Girl’s Do the Asking?
Q: Dear Sex Therapist Cheryl,
Do guys get turned off if a girl asks them out?
A: Dear Sadie Hawkins,
The answer depends on the guy of course. There are people out there who get turned on and off by every imaginable thing. Most men I talk to feel that the majority of the responsibility and risk of rejection falls upon them. Some men definitely do find it a burden to be responsible for all of the initiating. Bless their souls, they still keep asking. Many men are in fact turned on by a woman confident enough to ask for what she wants! Being desired is defiantly an ego boost for both men and women. In fact, since the 1930’s across North America dances, events and entire days have been held in the name of the mythical character Sadie Hawkins. Sadie was a bold girl in on the hunt for a husband. At these events females do all of the asking and often pay for the dinner or dance tickets for the males. So, if you just can’t wait until the next Sadie Hawkins event, get your nerve up and give it a try!
Originally published on www.datepad.com
Who Pays?
Q: Dear Sex Therapist Cheryl,
Who pays on a first date, me or the guy?
A: Dear Financially Frustrated,
This is a more controversial question than you may think. Most dating or matchmaking services will tell you to each pay for your own meal, to avoid any issues coming back on their company. Although, I know people who feel passionately on both sides of this topic, my advice is to bring enough money to pay for your own meal and if your date insists on paying, gratefully accept the generosity. Some men are greatly offended and feel undermined if you don’t let them pay. Some men think a woman is taking advantage of the situation if she does not pay for her own meal. It is good to find out what type of guy you are with. Ask yourself what type of guy you would like to share your life with. Likewise some women would not go on a second date with a man who doesn’t pick up the tab, they detest signs of cheapness so much. As one woman I know says, “Going dutch is for the Dutch, not me!” Other women are completely fine with paying their own way. This could be a question you playfully discuss over the meal so there are no surprises at the end!
Originally published on www.datepad.com
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