Q: Dear Sex Therapist Cheryl,

Gotta ask….Does size really matter?

A: Dear Undecided Size Queen,

This is truly one of the most asked questions of all time. It depends who you ask! In general this question refers to the measure of the erect penis. No one talks too much about female genital size. Certainly for both sexes, extremes on either end of the spectrum can present issues. Various studies indicate that the average length of an erect penis is around six inches. The longest recorded fully erect penis (scientifically validated) was 12 inches (30cms). The smallest recorded normally functioning penis was ½ inch (1.3cms). Half to one third of the penis extends inside the man’s body. There is NO correlation between penis size and height, foot, ear, nose or hand size. The female equivalent to the penis is the clitoris. Three fourths of the clitoris is hidden from view within a woman’s body, extending up to 5 inches inside and straddling the vagina on both sides. While penis size and shape is a matter of personal preference, the overwhelmingly most common answer to this question is, “It depends what you do with it!” Sexual satisfaction involves a wide range of factors including, emotional attachment, quantity of touch associated with the experience, perceived skill level, contentment, communication and compatibility to name only a few. Penis size plays a relatively small part in the entire equation. So, don’t rest on your size laurels big guys!!

Originally published on www.datepad.com.

Q: Dear Sex Therapist Cheryl,

What is the difference between transsexual and transgender?

Q: Dear Sex Therapist Cheryl,

Some friends of mine recently used the acronym LGBTQA. I didn’t want to appear stupid, so I pretended to understand, but I don’t!! Help!!

A: Dear Acronym Confused,

The acronym LGBTQA refers to: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, Questioning, and Allied. This acronym was coined by Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey (1894-1956), one of the most famous sexual researchers in history. His groundbreaking work started in the late 1930’s and continues today through, The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. Dr. Kinsey discovered that little scientific data existed on human sexual behavior. What studies did exist were in general either extremely value-laden or based on very small numbers of clinical patients, so Dr. Kinsey began collecting his own data. Eventually he and his research associates obtained more than 18,000 sexual histories based on in-depth, face-to-face interviews. Kinsey, rather than separating Heterosexuality from all other orientations, put all of these orientations on a continuum indicating a broad range of “Normal”, not just opposite sex attraction and arousal. His philosophy was that, “Only the human mind invents categories and tries to force facts into separated pigeon-holes. The living world is a continuum.”

Originally published on www.datepad.com

Stay tuned to see what happens when best selling author and writing trainer Karen Rowe and sex therapist Cheryl Swan get together!

Starting September 1st, 2010 we will tease and titillate the your inner erotic creatrix out of her lair!!

Q: Dear Sex Therapist Cheryl,

What is the best way to end a relationship that is over a year in duration?

A: Dear Termination Minded,

The best way to end any relationship is to first be very clear in your mind, what the reasons are for you to end it. Your clarity will make the experience easier for both of you. Speak from your own feelings and experiences. For example if I say, “I don’t feel a strong connection between us,” I am simply stating a fact. I am not making a judgment about the person’s adequacy or worth. Avoid blaming the other person at all cost. Ending a relationship gracefully means gently speaking your own truth without blame or judgment and not taking responsibility for another’s feelings. Accept that the other person’s feelings come from his or her belief system and you don’t need to feel guilty because they see things differently from you. By speaking from your own experiences you make it about you. If you make the reason about them, they still have the option to try to change themselves and you have given them false hope to cling. Using a counselor or mediator to facilitate the breakup is often helpful. A third person can help both you and your partner feel heard and understood in the process and assist you both to gain insight from the experience you have shared together. Just because a relationship ends does not make it a failure. Every experience we have along the way makes us who we are.

Originally published on www.datepad.com.

I was at a charity event recently and was approached by a woman asking if most couples that go to therapy end up divorced. I answered that, indeed, repressed issues may come up in relationship therapy sessions that can lead to a reevaluation of the relationship. To wit my questioner turned to her husband and said, “See honey, if we go to counseling we will end up divorced. So I was right, we should not go for counseling.”

The logic of that statement reminds me of a character in a movie I once saw who, when she found out that blonds are at higher risk for skin cancer, promptly dyed her hair brunette. No, “de-nile” is not just a river in Africa my friends.

Part of the problem is that many couples see counseling as a last resort. Therefore it puts them on the counselors couch in the last stages of their relationship. At this point there is little left to do but decide who gets the cottage and the home theatre system.

An event planner friend and I agreed over lunch recently, that we should collaborate to include a relationship-counseling package with the unique weddings she orchestrates for savvy proactive couples. This would assist in building a solid foundation to keep their relationships as healthy and happy as they were originally intended to be. In that way we mused, we could help them celebrate their golden anniversary after 50 years of wedded bliss!

The main underlying issue I see in my practice is that we are never taught to communicate. When faced with difficult, embarrassing or uncomfortably intimate issues, it is often easier to swallow than speak our emotions. For a couple I counseled recently it was a cruel realization that after years of living in an uncomfortably numb state, they both looked in the mirror to discovered people they did not like. The problem with not addressing issues is that repression stifles self-expression. Let me tell you, these were lovely individuals who looked back with regret at not seeking therapy sooner. He marveled at his realization that although he had never intended to become, “that guy” who buried himself in work and appeared not to care, he had. She mourned her formerly vivacious self, faced with a cold and shut down woman in the mirror. So, I would advise you to heed those little white elephants in the middle of the living room. They tend to multiply and grow without proper tending. Anais Nin summed it up well, “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish it’s source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.”

Complacency, unconsciousness, cowardice and apathy are what kill our relationships and our individuality. I often think that relationships should be under contract and renewed annually after a performance review. When I say renewed, I mean that in the best way possible. Let’s celebrate joyfully the amazing aspects of our connections and proactively and collaboratively strategize to improve upon the areas that need work, to get us the results we deserve. If we want to achieve excellence in any area we get ourselves trained and educated on the matter and apply ourselves diligently to it. Relationships are no different. After all, we are vibrant amazing women who deserve to be empowered, supported and nurtured by our relationships. This means maintaining them regularly as you would a fabulous manicure. When we vigilantly keep our relationships healthy and lustrous they pay off in kind!

- Published on asknancy.ca August 2008

Q: Dear Sex Therapist Cheryl,

When will I know if I am ready to be in a relationship with someone again?

A: Dear Impatiently Waiting,

There are various different formulas that would allegedly calculate the amount of time you need to get over your last relationship. Some say, three months for every year you were together. If you were together for less than a year, then it is one week for every two months you were together. For example, if you were together for three years, it will take you nine months to get over it. If you were together for six months, it should only wake about three weeks to get over it. While it is lovely in concept to think that the workings of the human heart can be conveniently calculated in a slick mathematical formula, from my experience the issue is not quite that simple. Whatever the circumstances of the end of your relationship, if he or she moves away, dies, or one of you chooses to end it, it means change and human beings are not comfortable with change. Even if we are moving to a better situation, we naturally mourn or grieve the loss of what we previously knew as familiar. This applies to any area of our lives where we experience change, even getting a promotion. The stages of grieving are as follows; denial (I can’t believe this is happening), anger (Why has this happened, Why me), bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…), depression (I don’t care anymore) and acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes). These stages are not necessarily experienced in this order or one at a time. It is important allow this process to run its course so you can be clear and attract what you want in the next relationship you enter into. From my professional experience a greater indicator of how long you will take to get over a past relationship is how emotionally invested or entangled you were in the relationship. You may also have started to grieve the loss of the relationship before it ended. It is very common to know it is over long before the end. This is important to consider. So, allow yourself space and time between relationships. Trust that when you notice yourself starting to think about dating again in a happy, grounded way, not out of desperation or loneliness that you may be indeed ready.

Originally published on www.datepad.com

Q: Dear Sex Therapist Cheryl,

I am plagued by urinary tract infections that occur whenever I have sex. Even though I practise all due diligence with urinating immediately after intercourse and other recommendations I still get them. I have been thoroughly poked prodded, embarrassed and tested by medical doctors and there is nothing physically wrong. I love sex but I am starting have a negative association with it because of this problem. Is there a holistic alternative to continually taking antibiotics or abstinence? Help!!

A: Dear Pissed Off,

After years of wondering how our foremothers and foresisters treated this very common female infection before antibiotics, I took it upon myself to do some personal research. I found that a commonly available (at any health food store) herbal treatment works like a charm!! Yes, I have tested this on myself. Of course I must urge you to consult a qualified herbalist before taking anything (to cover my ass!). The cure I have found best once you have an UTI is to take large doses of vitamin C (4000 mg) every few hours. This acidifies the urinary tract, making it an inhospitable environment for bacteria to grow. Marshmallow Root is a herb that soothes mucus membranes of the urethra and surrounding area. For an acute infection I take double the recommended dose and every hours. Uva Ursi is a natural antibiotic and diuretic. This herb should only be taken at the time of infection/occasionally and is not meant as a preventive or ongoing supplement. Take the maximum dose, every few hours when you need it though. Nature’s Way has a great formula called “KB” (Kidney Bladder) that combines a number of herbs and is meant also for occasional usage/encase of an acute UTI. I find doubling the dosage on this one works well also. Taking these 4 things in combination, every few hours has never failed me. Even though you feel like you may rattle if you jump up and down after that many herbal pills, I find I feel much healthier than when I take antibiotics regularely. Antibiotics can have nasty side effects like yeast infections and destroy the good bacteria and PH balance in your body. Also, as a wise GP once said to me, “we want to give you antibiotics as infrequently as possible so you are not resistant to them when you really need of them.” Make sure you increase your water intake to about 12 glasses a day or more during this process to flush your system and keep your other organs healthy in the process. From my experience 1 to 2 days of this routine is enough. Once you notice the symptoms going away you can decrease the quantity and frequency of the herbs over the next couple of days.

Summary for acute UTI:

Vitamin C

Marshmallow Root

Uva Ursi

Nature’s Way, KB (Kidney Bladder) formula

Lots of water

For prevention: I find large daily doses of Vitamin C and Marshmallow Root work well. Cranberry capsules can also be helpful. Make sure you take the capsules and not the juice (unless it is pure un-sweetened Cranberry juice, available at health food stores – which is very sour and will make your lips pucker) because all commercial cranberry juice is so diluted and sweetened that it has virtually no medicinal effects. In fact the sweetness of commercial cranberry juice can promote bacterial growth and aggravate your infection. If you know you are going to have intercourse it helps to take an extra dose right before you start and one after for extra prevention.

Summary for Daily Prevention:

Vitamin C

Marshmallow Root

Cranberry Capsules

Lots of water

Never have sex when you are angry!!

My experience is that over time, as the urinary tract regains health and strengthens with the herbal support, I have needed to take less and less to maintain health and enjoy sex without fear of infection!!! Of course I must urge you to consult a qualified herbalist before taking anything.

What is this thing called libido anyway? You can’t see it or touch it but Baby you know when it is fired up and sadly when it is not. The Oxford Dictionary defines it as: a psychic impulse or drive, especially that associated with sexual desire.

The most common concern I hear from women lately is a lack of libido. For some reason we are not feeling very libidinous or lustful. I was asked over drinks at the Opera intermission recently, “Why do men think about sex so much?” My question in return was, “Why are we women thinking about it so little?”

I find it tragically ironic that in our culture where sex is used to sell everything from condominiums to chewing gum, 30% to 50% of women say they have little or no interest in sex according to a recent USA Today survey. A reported one in three marriages has the brother/sister dynamic going on. Don’t even get me started on the infidelity rate, let me assure you, the old saying is true, “If you are not sleeping with your husband, someone else is, or soon will be.” We have new acronyms cropping up like, DINS (Double Income No Sex) or indeed SINS (Single Income No Sex). What is going on with us girls!? Where has our juicy vivaciousness gone? This issue extends far beyond the act of sex. The world is a more stimulating, vibrant and interesting place for everyone to be in when there are more women walking down the street with a twinkle in their eyes and a spring in their Manolo Blahniks. Ideally, others are saying, “Mamma Mia, I want what she had for breakfast!” When we are in that, “vavoom” state of being, the day to day becomes delightful as if by magic!

In my clientele and friends I have noticed a few common themes contributing to this drab, low libido syndrome.

1. We stay in unsatisfactory relationships, situations, jobs…fill in the blank, and when we are unhappy we wilt, emotionally, physically and mentally.

2. We are taught from an early age to deny and later to numb our true emotions through antidepressants, addictions, shopping and T.V., many have a more intimate relationship with their P.V.R. than their primary partner. Are we so afraid to feel?!

3. Our “Can Do”, North American work ethic glorifies pleasure anorexia. If you are too busy to allow yourself to experience some sort of pleasure, yes maybe even sex, with another human being or yourself, on a daily basis – YOU ARE TOO BUSY!!!

We are letting our feminine energy drain away and dry up. I find this a terrible shame. We are saying yes when we want to say no and no when we want to say yes. We keep giving and giving and giving until it is all gone. We feel it is wrong or difficult to set healthy boundaries with our work, partners, children and commitments. Repeat after me, “Healthy boundaries are good for me, they help define my sense of self, protect me, put me in charge of my own life and promote healthy relationships.” Well done! Keep in mind we are teaching the ones who look up to us how to be in the world.

I suggest an alternative. Why not use the power of pleasure to have your way with the world? In her wonderful book, “Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts” Regena Thomashauer speaks of enhancing and expanding the voice of women by fanning the flames of their desires, which opens the doors of fun and pleasure for everyone. Her book teaches us to use the powers of desire, not effort, to attain our goals. Mama says, “You will own and enjoy your sense of pleasure, joy, sensuality and yes, greediness!” So, wear what makes you feel girly, eat chocolate and wink at the handsome guy you pass on the street! Today is a special celebration! It is a day that will never come again for you to suck all of the fun, joy and sensual pleasure out of that you are able! Remember the world is a much happier place when its women are happy. Cause, if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!! My two sons will attest to that one!

Take a blank piece of paper and make two columns. At the top of one column write: things that add to my energy and enjoyment of life. Label the other column: things that drain or exhaust me. Now, take an inventory of your life. What are the people, activities and commitments that belong under each column? Once you have your lists your next task is to eliminate, delegate, reduce or rework the items in the column that drains your energy and promote, embrace and indulge the column that invigorates you! Heck, even add a few more items to the list that you have always wanted to try. If your mother-in-law is an energy vampire, tactfully limit the time you spend around her. If yoga, girlfriend time, getting that mani/pedi, or indulging in a luxurious nap rejuvenates your spirit, schedule them regularly!

I will leave you with this quote that I once saw in an Oprah magazine: “When you die, God and the angels will hold you accountable for all the pleasures you were allowed in life that you denied yourself.”- Anonymous

Have you had your daily dose of pleasure today?!

Originally Published on www.asknancey.ca