Published in THE NATIONAL POST
ACTIVE IN THE GOLDEN YEARS section
June 24th, 2011
by Cheryl Swan
Certified educator, accredited Life Coach, sex & relationship Therapist

In past generations, once one retired it meant life slowed down and a new course was charted in the direction of a nursing home.
What’s the difference now? In the last 30 years (the interval of a generation according to Ancestory.com) advanced medical care and improved lifestyle has created a generation of uber-vital retirees who feel 60 is the new 40. This applies to the bedroom too! These early baby boomers are interested in living life to the fullest and doing more of what they want, when they want. They have every intention of having their cake, or should I say, ‘muffin’ and eating it too.

I recently spoke with 82-year-old author and sex educator Dr. Betty Dodson on Youtube proclaiming that she is enjoying sex more than any other time in her life since she turned 70. Her view on sex and age— “I consider the 70s to be the youth of old age. So all you women out there who are afraid of getting older, just keep your orgasms in place, eat a lot of vegetables, take exercise and you’ll be fine.”

When queried, my mod-mature clients, friends and family members reported feeling like now is their time to really enjoy life. Where generations past were, at the same age, suffering the wear and tear of a lifetime of hard physical labour, modern life has left these scandalous seniors with energy to spare.I can personally attest to this as I attempt to keep pace with my septua- genarian deep-water workout buddies every morning!

Modern day retirees are also finding they are no longer plagued by the sex and relationship issues of their youth.
In growing older they have:
■■Gained emotional maturity;
■■Learned communication skills;
■■Discarded their body image issues;
■■Become clear about what they want;
■■Have greater appreciation for each other.

Practice makes perfect and is paying off for these frisky golden-agers. They report that the quality of their relation- ships is “most definitely better”. And I can tell you, better relationships equal better sex. All unresolved relationship issues show up as symptoms in the bed- room.

Game changers

Retirees who may have felt they origin- ally got married too young—many of them in their teens—are now single- tons once more. The ones I have spoken to are still hopeful of finding intimacy and excitement.“The thinking is different,” they say. “It may not have seemed right for a 65-year-old woman to be on the prowl a generation ago, but it is now the accepted norm.” Single seniors are found along with everyone else, browsing for potential co-adventurers on dating sites such as Plenty of Fish and Lavalife.

My own mother’s take on the subject is, “Age is a state of mind, we don’t feel old, why should we act old!” This new attitude indicates a positive change in our collective belief system surrounding ageing.

Combined with this new mindset,we now have a host of modern medical and holistic treatments for menopause and andropause (unheard of 30 years ago) available to reduce and in some cases eliminate symptoms completely. This leaves modern retirees free to enjoy the benefits of an empty nest. With fewer distractions and commitments they are capitalizing on a richness and fullness of life that their predecessors never dreamt of. On the adventurous side, I know of retired couples that have started to explore their sexuality more since their kids have left home. I am told an empty nest is a great place to entertain other couples.”

So, let’s applaud these trail- blazing post-mid-agers for, if not inventing sex, showing us that what we thought was the end is just the beginning.

Sex Therapist Cheryl discusses human mating patterns with radio personality Charlee Morgan.

Cheryl Swan discusses North America’s body image issues with Pamela Dixon, in Fast Forward Magazine.

Calgarians freeing their bodies in the nude
Published February 24, 2011  by Pamela Dixon in Urban Living

I take off my shoes and walk across the wet tile floor in my socked feet and reach for the locker’s cold aluminum door.

The door open, I can hide my chest as I quickly undress, slide my arms out of my jacket, and hang it up. My hands grasp the edge of my T-shirt as I slide it over my head. Next, my grey camisole comes off. Next is my bra.

Half undressed, the rest of my clothes — jeans, long johns and panties — practically fall off. I feel the cold, rigid air against my naked bum.

It’s my first time stripping down in a co-ed change room. It’s also my first time at a “naked swim.”

But, swimming is swimming, right? That’s what I’m thinking as I pull my hair into a ponytail.

Dave, the swim co-ordinator from Calgary’s Sunny Chinook Association, smiles and gestures to the showers. He, too, is butt naked. While he embraces his nude side, he wishes to withhold his last name because not all of his friends are aware of his nude lifestyle.

“There is a big stigma around it,” he says. “Sometimes, it’s better nobody knows.”

The 53-year-old’s first clothing-optional experience was during a vacation with his wife to the Dominican Republic’s Eden Bay in 2007.

“It’s the people that keep us coming back,” Dave explains. He still keeps in touch with vacationers they met from England and the U.S.

“At a clothing-optional resort, you’re not prejudging people,” he says. “Imagine going to Bankers Hall in a golf shirt and jeans amongst all the suits. You feel uncomfortable, but with the club there is none of that.”

Dave and I had arranged to meet at the Ambassador Hotel before the swim for a (fully clothed) interview in which we meet with Wilf Gendron.

Gendron’s first venture into public nudity was a trip to Hawaii.

“I had psoriasis before the trip, and after the trip it was all gone,” he explains. “Tanning in the sunshine got rid of that.”

His doctor was amazed at his recovery and encouraged him to keep up the new treatment.

“It’s a different lifestyle. It’s interesting how people gravitate towards it. Everyone has a different story as to how they got into it.”

Gendron’s girlfriend, Olga Karpova, was completely against the idea at first, but eventually warmed to it.

“You forget about being naked after a while,” she says. She has been a member of the club for a year.

The Sunny Chinooks Association was established in the ’70s and is always open to new members. The club offers seasonal camping and a monthly swim.

Walking out of the change room and into the hot tub, I take in my surroundings. Men and women as young as 18 and up to their late 70s are dipping their toes in the hot water.

We are all different shapes and sizes, but it doesn’t matter.

“You can’t help but take a peak,” Dave says. “That is OK, as long as you’re not staring.”

I think to myself, if this feels so natural, why aren’t we naked all of the time?

Sex therapist Cheryl Swan says that’s because North Americans are extremely body conscious.

“The media paints a portrait of perfection too much,” Swan says. “Look at mainstream television on any night. It’s all about how to get thinner.”

Internet ads on losing your belly fat get more clicks online than even sex sites, according to Swan.

“If perfect worked, they’d be happy. But they’re not.”

Society’s preoccupation with perfection is reflected in the fact that at any given time, 70 per cent of women and 35 per cent of men are dieting, according to the Canadian Mental Health Association.

“We hate ourselves too much to be naked,” Swan says, adding, “We’d all be happier if we were happy with what we’ve got.”

But in terms of sexuality it feels better to be nude than naked, says Swan. “Nude says comfortable, and feels good. Naked is stripped and vulnerable.”

Yogadown Studios has encouraged women to strip down for charity at its Okotoks studio, where members have held two naked yoga classes and had paid through a donation to the studio for charity.

Owner and instructor Alina McGraw was initially hesitant to host naked yoga, but her business partner encouraged her after experiencing the practice on nude beaches in other countries.

“I was surprised at the atmosphere of the studio,” McGraw says.

People had undressed as soon as they got into the studio instead of waiting for the instructor to give the go-ahead.

“It was like being a bunch of 12-year-olds at a slumber party. We were all looking around and giggling with our neighbours.”

After five minutes the novelty wore off. “We experienced a sense of liberation,” she says. “At first, it was different like everything. It started with a strange sensation, and then after some time it became normal yoga.”

The class was planned to avoid poses that aren’t flattering even with clothes on. McGraw’s inbox has been inundated with inquiries about the next class from both men and women, but she doesn’t expect co-ed naked yoga in the near future.

“Most guys react sexually to naked yoga, whereas when it comes to women it doesn’t come to that,” McGraw says.

“We come into this world naked and so quickly become uncomfortable in our own bodies. I never felt this comfortable in my skin before naked yoga.”

Cheryl discusses ‘Xs’ with radio host, Charlee Morgan of Edmonton’s UP 99.3. Is he keeping in touch occasionally to be polite or is it something deeper?

Cheryl Swan deals with all of Calgary’s sexual ups and downs
Fast Forward Weekly Magazine
Published December 24, 2009 by Trevor Howell in Urban Living

The identities of the following sex therapy clients have been disguised in this article to protect their anonymity. 

Visualize yourself in a sex therapy session. What do you see? A leather couch? Maybe a stuffy academic sitting off in the corner, nodding incessantly and scribbling down God knows what as you divulge your deepest fantasies and fears. 

Or perhaps you see the therapist laying out a strict penis-exercise regime to help you master your domain. 

If that last bit raised your… ummm… eyebrow, then read on and enter the world of local sex therapist and educator Cheryl Swan, who seven years ago started Holistic Sex Therapy & Education. It’s a unique venture that addresses the psychological, physical and emotional aspects of the human being. 

“It’s ironic that we think we can deal with sexual issues without dealing with the body…. I find that bizarre,” says Swan, 41. Her university degree in education and life coaching certification merged well with her relationship and sexual therapy-related training and she is a member of the Sex Information and Education Council of Canada. “Sex is one of the great places where adults can play. Human beings are creatures of touch. We can live without sex; we can’t live without touch.” 

So, are the citizens of this notoriously button-down, conservative prairie metropolis looking to reach out and be touched? You bet, says Swan, who describes one client’s tendency to hook up with fellow drivers — strangers — during rush hour before continuing home to her sexless marriage. “That’s the straight-laced business Calgary. That’s what happens.” 

“We pretend to be so good, so politically correct, so perfect,” she says. “But the same person sitting at church or at work being perfect is seeing three hookers a week or has a dungeon in their basement.” 

Fast Forward Weekly pries open Swan’s schedule book to see what a typical workday for a sex therapist looks like. (Names and identifying details have been changed.) 

10:00 a.m. – John and Lisa. Three-month couples rejuvenation.

Originally they sought therapy because they were only having sex four times a year and now they’re half -way through a three-month couples rejuvenation package. They have both been in for an individual session and today is their first joint session. 

Night after night, John plants himself in front of his living room TV. His partner, Lisa, does the same — in the bedroom. A once active sex life has all but dried up and left town, dropping by to visit only as often as the seasons change. They’ve sought alternatives to spice things up — swing clubs, online dating — only to find themselves increasingly disassociated from one another. 

This, says Swan, is an “astonishingly common” scenario — a symptom of a near pathological need to overachieve on a professional level, while utterly failing in the relationship department. It’s a situation she labels DINS (double income, no sex). “I think a lot of people are having boring sex. Or they’re not having any. We’ve all got Gucci handbags, but no one’s having any orgasms or connecting.” 

When couples try to legitimize this situation by insisting they have a good relationship in every other way, the needle on Swan’s “bullshit metre” hits red. “Sex is communication, so obviously it is a symptom of communication failure. What I hear over and over with couples is, ‘Oh yeah, we talk all day long.’ But they talk about other things: the weather, Tiger Woods, the stock market… none of that matters. That’s what I emphasize to them.” 

Swan first meets with the couples on an individual basis to suss out the situation because, as she puts it, “people will be totally dishonest. Even if they’re husband and wife and been together for 25 years, they’ll sit here and lie.” She then conducts a joint session and assigns homework and intimacy-based strategies to reconnect the troubled couple both emotionally and physically. 

“It takes some patience and willingness on both sides to let the bricks of the wall come down,” she says. “It can feel a little weird only having sex four times a year and now having it more often.” 

Noon – Steven. Coaching on longer-lasting orgasms.

Steven’s wife originally called looking for information because his premature ejaculation issues were really starting to affect his self-esteem and their ability to connect and enjoy sex. 

Most men, like Steven, measure their masculinity on the quality and duration of their performance. Even a rare occurrence of jumping the gun can be a blow to the male ego. If it becomes common, it can be devastating and turn a once-firm relationship flaccid. 

“Often the greater problem with (premature ejaculation) is that it affects every part of their life because their self-esteem is destroyed,” says Swan. “It affects relationships because it feels as though they’ve let down their partner time after time. They don’t want to talk about it; they don’t want to feel like a disappointment. It causes fights and all sorts of things.” 

If a medical exam by a doctor turns up nothing worrisome there are unique skills men can learn to gain more control over their erratic erections, says Swan. 

While the first half of the session revolves around a sit-down discussion of Steven’s problem and strategy creation, the second half may involve a more hands-on approach. This only occurs if the client is comfortable with this approach. But let’s be clear: this is not a handjob, but rather a kegel training session for men. “The idea is there are certain set skills involving muscle groups in the body — to tense and relax at appropriate times — that need to be learned to control orgasm,” she says. “I’ve done it without the experiential segment and invariably people come back and say, ‘It didn’t work ‘or ‘I’m having mixed results.’ But it always works with the experiential learning portion.” 

2:30 p.m. – Alex. Sex addiction session.

Alex has attended a 12-step program for several years but has found it is no longer moving him forward. He believes that words have power and re-identifying himself as an addict at every meeting is bothering him. He also finds it victimizing to claim he has no power and has a sickness. Because of additional stress in his life lately, he fears he may act out again. Alex is seeking a more accountable, empowering approach to dealing with his addictive nature. 

Addiction of any kind is complex and often requires a great deal of patience and understanding to endure the inherent successes and failures. Treating sex addiction, however, is unique in that, unlike drugs and alcohol, the objective isn’t to abstain completely from the activity, contends Swan. “It’s healthy; it’s good for you. There’s research that shows the more we have sex, the more happy and satisfied human beings we are. So we don’t want them to, ‘quit cold turkey,’ and take the healthy benefits away.” 

Swan approaches the addiction in a way she believes is less counter-intuitive than many other treatments. Clients, like Alex, are coming to her seeking an environment where the treatment mentality is less about being a victim of a disease and more about developing empowerment and accountability strategies. 

“With all this new consciousness around us, people are saying, ‘I don’t want to say I’m an addict.’ We don’t say that every single day of our lives; we don’t identify in that way. So what about, ‘I’m healed,’” says Swan. “Saying ‘I’m an addict’ every day is really the complete opposite of an affirmation; you’re affirming negative.” 

4:30 p.m. – Mike. Erectile Dysfunction.

Mike was originally referred by his doctor. He has had every test known and medications were of no assistance. Seeking a more holistic approach, Mike has come in for three talk therapy sessions over 3 months and is now rarely plagued by faltering erections. E.D. is mostly created by, ‘the big head’ according to Swan. We are ‘human doings,’ rushing from one thing to the next in this technology age. We have become less and less present in our bodies which is where we have to be to have great sex. “There is nothing on the planet that can stimulate all 5 senses like sex.” says Swan.

She does offer couples sessions to add “new tools to the toolbox,” for couples not in crisis who want to live it up as much as possible…in bed.

“Some people are challenged by talking frankly about sex, even to their most intimate partners,” says Swan. “They feel uncomfortable and don’t understand it as a playful and connective experience. You say the word ‘anal’ and people are freaking out. Most Europeans can’t even fathom how we’re so uptight.” 

For those brave souls who want more from life, Cheryl Swan is only an email or phone call away. She is also currently working on a new book, and several online classes and manuals in which she shares the skills and techniques we all should have learned at age 18.